Privacy Policy

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Last updated: when Bertram J. Schoonover finishes the current motion.

1. What We Collect

Roy's office collects the same wholesome information any American consumer goods company has collected since 1952: your name, your home address, your telephone exchange, the products you order, the products you return (none, you cannot return our products), and a small notebook page listing every Radium Roy's product currently installed in your home, which we keep on file for warranty and inheritance purposes.

2. How We Use It

We use your information to ship your orders, mail you our seasonal catalog, and occasionally check in by telephone to ask whether you have considered upgrading to the next Tan-O-Matic model. We do not sell your information to outside parties. We do, however, share it freely within the Pemberton family, who consider customer information to be a kind of extended family ledger.

3. Data Retention

Roy's office retains your information indefinitely. Our Burbank document vault contains paper records dating back to 1952, and our policy is to add to it rather than subtract from it. If you wish to be removed from our records, you may submit a request in writing to Bertram J. Schoonover, who will add your request to his collection of pending matters.

4. Cookies

Our website uses standard digital cookies to remember the contents of your shopping cart and to note which products you have lingered on. We do not consider this surveillance — we consider it attentive customer service, the kind your great-grandparents would have recognized from any good five-and-dime.

5. Your Rights

Under the California Consumer Privacy Act and similar regulations in other jurisdictions, you may request a copy of all data we hold about you. We will mail it to you in a brown paper envelope, postage paid, within four to six business decades. If you wish to request deletion of your data, please refer to Section 3 above.

6. Security

Your information is stored in a steel filing cabinet in our Burbank document vault, which is locked at night and unlocked in the morning by a member of the Pemberton family. We have not had a data breach in seventy-four years, in part because no one has ever attempted one.

7. Changes to This Policy

We reserve the right to update this policy at any time. Changes will be communicated by mailing you a postcard, by updating this page, and by reading the new policy aloud at our annual Burbank holiday party, where you are always welcome.